"I Believe" Free Write

“I believe that my brother watches over me from Heaven.”

My brother died in our living room the night before Thanksgiving in 2010. He was 18. He had just been diagnosed with Crohn’s disease in September of that year. He was changing his eating habits, his workouts…everything. He was in pain a lot, but that was ok, because I was there to take care of him. I was ready to change my entire life plan to provide for/care for him. I was willing to give up college, marriage, whatever it took to make sure he was never alone. Then he died. We are a family of Christian beliefs, so I always knew that he wasn’t really gone, he was just not here anymore. That doesn’t make it easier. It makes it painful. I want to be there, I want him to be here, I want this to be over. I can’t stop living, but I hurt all the time. I miss him. He was my best friend. We were more like twins in a lot of ways. I feel like that other part of me is missing. Sometimes I can feel it again, and that’s when I think he’s watching over me. He’s hanging out up there, seeing the things I’m doing with my life. When it snows, I know that’s William sending me my favorite thing. I love snow. He knows that, and he puts in a good word with the Big Guy Upstairs every once in awhile. I miss him. I miss him. I miss him. I would trade almost anything to have him here with me, so we could play another round of Halo: Reach. Maybe this wasn’t the best choice for the free write. It’s painful. And there it is. That sense of calm which makes me think he’s here, putting a hand on my shoulder and telling me it will be ok. Will it be ok? Really? Can it be ok here? I don’t know. It gives me comfort to believe that he’s up in Heaven waiting for us. That he can look down and still be a part of our lives, even if we aren’t always aware of it. I wonder what Heaven is like. I hope he’s willing to give me the grand tour when I get up there. I miss him. Everyday. Everyday. It doesn’t get easier. Sense of calm again. Sometimes I dream about him, and it’s like he’s telling me he’s ok, and that it’s going to be alright. I wish that was enough to get me through. I miss him. I hope it snows this weekend. It always makes me smile, and it always makes me think of my baby bro. I wish I could’ve saved him. You can’t stop a heart from short- circuiting. Better him go while we were all there than for one of us to come home and find him. I miss him. I miss him. It’s killing my parents. People think we should be better by now. You can’t get over this kind of pain. When someone is an integral and vital part of your life, you don’t get over them being ripped away. I wish I could’ve traded places with him. Big sisters are supposed to take care of their kid brothers. Stop that, you couldn’t do anything. And he would be sick and alone after Mom and Dad pass on. That doesn’t make it easier. So many emotions. It’s so hard to work through them. Why did I decide to do this for my free write? I miss my brother. He was such a good guy. He was smart and funny. He could always make me laugh, and if anyone hurt me, he was scary. The only times I’ve ever cursed where when he ticked me off. Oh, the joys of siblings. They are the most annoying things in life. But they’re also the best. I’m glad I got to be a big sister, even if it was only for 18 years. 18 years isn’t long enough. Not long enough. Not long enough. I wish I could make my parents happy again. I can’t even make myself happy. William was the bright spot. He kept us all young and goofy. That’s gone. I miss my brother.

Word Count: 714